Belonging
Membership in a Tribe
Introduction
Where do I belong? Who are “my” people? As I pondered these questions I have been thinking about the primitive need to belong. Thank you for joining me in this issue of The Adventure of Reflection as I contemplate belonging through the lens of tribal membership.
Lessons from “Mystery Acres”
Learning about Tribes
My regular readers have come to expect the first section of every newsletter to include an excerpt from something I wrote thirty years ago. These “minutes of motivation” were written for college freshmen in introductory psychology. I have started to wonder what I will do when I have depleted this historic, finite resource. Or, what would I do when the topic of my newsletter didn’t have a piece from my thirty-year old archives that fit?
The latter happened for my exploration of how we need to belong, which has a primitive, tribal aspect woven into our being. What are we a part of? Where do we fit? Who are “our” people? Beyond just a sense of community, who is our tribe? With the end of the doctoral program of which I was a part for over two decades, I have been grieving at a profound level, not for loss of a bygone professional role, but for a loss of place. The doctoral program had become a place in which I belonged; its members shared a common history, language, purpose, and customs. Only those who were a part of that tribe can fully understand the loss.
Four years ago, my husband and I purchased 17.5 undeveloped acres in St. Clair County Missouri. It had no infrastructure or utilities, just lots of trees and rocks. We had looked for a piece of land for quite some time, never finding anything we wanted to own. Then this remote, rough piece of forest “called” to me. I would soon understand why.
There were four trees, among the hundreds, that were different. These trees had been shaped long ago as “marker trees,” something I learned by sending photos and measurements to a few experts on the subject. Native peoples would shape young oak trees to mark trails, villages, and burial sites. After researching the specific tribe of native peoples who would have done this work on our land, I learned more about the Osage people. An expert determined our mysterious trees marked sacred land. One of the trees is believed to mark the graves of two tribal leaders, another a village.
This land, which my husband and I named “Mystery Acres” called to me, as it had called to a group of Osage. Our land is within the boundaries of one of the last treaties with native people, who relocated into Oklahoma. I am not a part of that tribe; I have no ancestry connecting me to the previous tenants of Mystery Acres. But I do feel “a part of” them as I live and cherish the forest once so precious to them. When I think about where I belong, I realize I belong in these woods. Being there makes me feel “a part of” something. I encourage you to cherish what you are “a part of” and “find your place.”
Note. If you’d like hear more about Mystery Acres, let me know. I love to share more of what it has taught me.
Enjoy Life More
Find Your Tribe
If Maslow was right, all humans have a basic need for “love and belonging.” He placed the priority of this need just above survival needs of food, clothing, and shelter. Humans grow up in families who ideally provide a place of love and belonging.
As adults, with lives strewn far away from our childhood homes, where do we find places to belong? For starters, many of us find a spouse, have children, and form our own “tribe.” Finding a place of love and belonging through marriage and child-rearing is a place to start, but it doesn’t apply to everyone. And what happens when the children move away or the spouse is gone? How is the need for love and belonging met when one’s “tribe” is disbanded or not available through marriage and child-bearing?
Tribes have a strong sense of community and shared purpose. Often there are unique customs, fashion, and common language. Tribal members protect and encourage each other. The need for love and belonging is a need for tribal membership, only slightly higher than physiological needs.
Our modern lives have fragmented the sense of community and connection between us. The need for tribal membership can be seen in fans of athletic teams or musical performers. These “tribal members” gather in stadiums and concerts, producing a pseudo-community, but only for a few hours. Then the longing to be together with “one’s people” returns, only to be satisfied at a future game or concert.
If we need tribal membership, and our modern world is not meeting this need, what can we do? The first step is to recognize the need. The second step is to ask yourself, “Who are my people?” or “Who would I like to be my people?” Finally, invest time building community with a group of like-minded others.
To enjoy life more, find your tribe. Then build a community with each other where you, and they, belong.
Faith Corner
“Countless people from every nation, tribe, and language were standing before God.” (See Rev. 7:9)
I love the book of Revelation! There is much in this vision of John, given to him on the island of Patmos over two thousand years ago, that I don’t understand. For a kid who used to read the encyclopedia, it is oddly comforting to read this complex, symbolism-camouflaged text.
The description of a multitude of people standing before the throne of God is one of the few images made very clear in Revelation. The timing of this immense gathering is debated by scholars; where does it fall in the timeline of history, tribulation, second coming, etc.? I don’t know, and I don’t really need to know.
What I do need to know is whether or not I am a part of that crowd. I may not always know where I belong in this world, but I know I am a one of the followers of Jesus who will be gathered before the heavenly throne. The believers are “my tribe” – and I hope and pray you are also part of that tribe. If you are, we will be part of the biggest celebration in all of time and space. No stadium in the world could hold us. It will be quite the party. See you there?
Dear Lord, I don’t always know where I belong in this world. Sometimes I feel cast aside and not a part of something important here. Thank You for including me in Your family. Help me see myself among the countless people who are standing joyously before Your throne. Thank You for giving me a place in Your tribe. I know I belong with You. Amen.
Poetry Pause
Once a Part
The wheel now disassembled.
Once the hub,
I am just a piece -
Once a part of something,
Now just a part.
Is the wheel gone?
Perhaps.
But not the tracks!
The wheel was amazing.
The tracks are the legacy.
And I was a part.
By Cindy MacGregor, March 2, 2023
Note. This poem is about my part in the legacy of an award-winning doctoral program. It is sad to have something so important gone; but I am grateful to have been a part.
Old Mom to Young Mom
Develop Their Tribe
Children need to grow up being a part of a group of people who love them. This love and “place of belonging” provides roots, appropriate self-love, and loving behavior towards others. The immediate family is a small tribe for a child, typically part of a larger tribe, the extended family. The “extended family” can include non-biological connections through neighborhood, church, or school community.
Parents (and siblings) are only a small part, the central part, of a child’s “tribe.” Children need the predictability of relationships with immediate family members as well as the continuity of extended relationships. Building this larger “tribe” for your children while they are little helps them when they are teenagers and need to push away from their parents. I have had many members of my extended family reach out to me for support and direction during adolescence and young adulthood. Do your children have trusted “extended” family members to whom they could turn when they don’t want to talk to their parents?
Wise parents develop a “tribe” of trusted people around their children. These “tribe members” will be part of the community who provides guidance during the necessary season of separation from one’s parents. As an old mom to young parents, I encourage you to think about what you can do to provide people for your children to whom they can get direction when they need to push away from you. Develop their tribe.
Dear Dr. Mac
Dear Cynthia, (that’s what people from my distant past call me)
Your words resonate with my soul. Just wanted to let you know I greatly enjoy reading your articles that arrive in my email.
Your writing organizes the sometimes chaotic thoughts running around in my head as I now coach, "nudge", and enjoy grown children and the people they've introduced to my wife and into our lives, including our first grandchild!
I admire and appreciate your story telling, especially how it introduces and is tied to truth from Scripture.
May God continue to richly bless you and your efforts in all of life's endeavors!
Signed,
John
Hi John,
What a thrill it is to receive your email! It is a powerful encouragement to me to hear that my "words resonate with" your soul! I write from a place deep inside my heart, mind, and spirit; I very much appreciate knowing when others have benefited from my work. Thanks for reading! Thanks for writing! Words are powerful; we need to keep giving the good ones to each other.
In His Service,
Cindy (aka Cynthia)
Dear readers,
I love to hear from you! You can write to me at: drcjmacgregor@outlook.com; I will respond via email or in this section of a future newsletter, or both. I hope to hear from you!
You can find all my previous posts at https://cindymacgregor.substack.com/archive