Detoxify - Part III
Toxic Encounters
Introduction
This third part of the detoxify series focuses on toxic encounters with other people. How can we interact with difficult people in ways that keep us from becoming contaminated?
A Minute of Motivation
Angry People
The anger of others can be frightening and difficult; it is potentially painful to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger. Their anger feels like so many swords and daggers being hurled straight for your heart. A natural reaction to the pain from someone’s anger is to hurl anger back. Soon, both of you are hurling painful words at each other, and, afterwards, you are both emotionally bleeding from the wounds inflicted.
When someone is angry and seems to be trying to hurt you with their anger it helps to see them as scared. Ask yourself, “What is the fear underlying this anger?” Sometimes the fear is you don’t care, or you will abandon or reject them, or you will hurt them in some other way. The fear, in turn, usually stems from hurt. Have you said or done something that inadvertently hurt them?
Anger can be a way of pushing someone away; the real question is why does the angry person have a need to push the other person away? It’s often because they’re hurting and afraid of being hurt more. Anger can be a form of protection from further pain.
In dealing with people, remember that anger may be a sign of fear, and fear may stem from emotional injury. Respond to the angry person as someone who is hurting and afraid; your response to them will be more compassionate and productive than reacting with anger in return.
Enjoy Life More
Be Teflon
I love non-stick cookware. I’m old enough to remember commercials showing food just sliding off of a skillet. It still amazes me. How can something so crusty or gooey just wipe right off?! It looks impossible, but it’s not.
Similarly, some people are crusty or gooey. Our encounters with them can leave us feeling icky. I learned a technique that helps me. Perhaps it will help you.
Imagine you have an angry or difficult person ranting in front of you. Take a step back from them, in your mind, and say, “There you are.” This moment of imagined separation from them is like creating a non-stick barrier between you. Recognize their behavior as belonging to them and not to you.
It takes practice and it doesn’t always work perfectly, but it does reduce the contamination of such difficult encounters. “There you are. Here I am. Your toxin belongs to you, not to me. I am Teflon.”
Enjoy life more by not absorbing toxins from toxic people. Their poison doesn’t belong to you. Be Teflon.
Faith Corner
The neighbor went to the victim and “bandaged his wounds.” [see Luke 10:34]
Jesus told a story about a victim of a robbery who was left wounded by the side of the road. The story was an answer to a question of “who is my neighbor?” in the directive to “love your neighbor as yourself.” This story, or parable, is often called the “Good Samaritan” because the person who helps the victim is from Samaria.
Each day of life is part of “the road” you travel. Along the way you may find someone who has been wounded, not often literally, but emotionally. Their wounds are invisible, without blood or bruises. They have been wounded by someone else but they are in YOUR path now. What is your response?
In the story Jesus told, two religious leaders saw the victim in the road and stepped to the other side, walking as far away as possible. The third traveler was a Samaritan. He went to the victim and bandaged his wounds, also taking him for additional help. He moved toward the wounded, not away from him.
Who are “the wounded” in your path? How might you “bandage” their wounds? Kind words? Sharing resources? A gentle embrace?
Dear Lord, thank you for teaching about wounded people in my path. Help me to have the courage to see them and move toward them, not to look aside and move away. Stir up compassion in me to see their wounds and “bandage” them. Amen.
Poetry Pause
Struggle of the Wounded
I want desperately to be understood,
But I am difficult to understand.
I long to feel connected with others,
But I fear being dependent.
I scream to be touched,
But I hide behind impermeable walls.
I need intimacy,
But I fear vulnerability.
I need to be treated with special care,
But I feel unworthy of such care.
I’d like to be treated as though I am hurting,
But I feel guilty or embarrassed by my pain.
I long to be accepted as I am,
But I hide because of possible rejection.
I cling irrationally to those I’ve come to trust,
But I fear they, too, will hurt or reject me.
I am a human being
Who has been wounded by other human beings,
Who,
Paradoxically,
Needs human beings to help me heal.
Human connection can, and has, hurt me,
But it is also necessary for my recovery.
This is my struggle.
I am wounded.
By Cindy MacGregor, July 26, 2022
Note. I wrote a version of this poem thirty years ago and updated it for this publication. It was born out of my interactions with clients during psychotherapy who had suffered serious abuses. It reflects, also, the wounds that I, and each of us, bear because of our own experiences with people who have hurt us. Aren’t we all, in various ways, wounded?
Old Mom to Young Mom
Remember You’re the Grown-up
Children can be difficult little humans! They can be whiny, rude, and oozing with annoying attitude. It is so tempting to be whiny and rude right back!
But don’t. Just don’t. Remember you’re the grown-up. It’s your job to be the example of mature behavior.
I remember one time when my son was in time-out for something mean he did to one of his sisters. He yelled, “I hate you!” to me. I calmly said, “I know you are angry with me because you got in trouble, I want you to know I love you.” I went on to explain how he was being punished because I loved him and wanted him to be a good person when he grew up. I also said something about not wanting him to go to prison as a grown-up because he hadn’t learned how to behave as a child. The explanation was probably mostly wasted on him, but it helped me.
Sometimes, as parents, we need to remind ourselves that we are the grown-ups. We need to remember it’s our job to train the little humans so they can become well-adjusted adults. Someday they may have whiny little humans of their own to raise.
Dear Dr. Mac
I love trying to be wise. With degrees in psychology and leadership, I have a lot of advice to offer. some of it might even be good. If you would like to hear what I think about something, please send an email to: drcjmacgregor@outlook.com; I will respond via email or in this section of a future newsletter, or both. I welcome your comments and reactions. What has moved you? What made you think?