Frayed
Dealing with Loose Ends
As I shift from my previous job and prepare for the next, I’ve been thinking about closure. Some friends created a small retirement party for me and the closure helped me feel better. Not having this recognition had been a “loose end” that made me feel frayed; I’m pondering other ways it might help to deal with loose ends.
Note about the image: This is the first pile of 30-year old wallpaper stripped from my kitchen.
My Mysterious Mind
In a previous post (Totality) I described my home redecorating project and pledged to finish it over Memorial Weekend. The entire project, started almost three years ago, included painting woodwork in the upstairs hallway, wallpapering that hallway, the entry stairwell walls, and under the bar; it also included stripping the wallpaper in the living room, dining room and an adjacent hallway to the garage, repairing those walls, and applying paint. And there was the addition of new carpet, which only required moving furniture and spending money. A year ago I redid the kitchen counter with a five-day DIY epoxy project. Stripping the 30-year old kitchen wallpaper, visible from the other affected areas, and painting the kitchen walls, was to be the final step of the transformation. That is where I got stuck.
Sixteen months. That is how long it had been since I made progress on this redecorating project. Three days. That is how long it took to finish this unfinished business. On the first day I prepped, gathered supplies, and stripped wallpaper. On the second day I bought more supplies and repaired the walls. On the third and longest day I painted. Then I collapsed in a tub to soothe my aching body.
I expected to feel more positive about getting this last stage completed. Honestly, I just feel relief. The excitement I felt about the redecorating project expired a long time ago. In the end, I pushed through to the finish line on stubborn determination alone.
This summer is a season of dealing with loose ends. With the responsibilities of one job completed, my list of loose ends includes a dizzying number of “wrapping up tasks.” As I dug through more than two decades of accumulation in my office, I found university note-cards from a former dean, which were to be used to encourage students or colleagues. Soon these note-cards won’t make sense for me to use. I have decided to write some thank you notes with them this summer. I also had two boxes of things that belonged to an honor fraternity of which I haven’t been a leader for many years; I delivered these to the office of someone who is currently part of that group, something I should have done a long time ago.
All of this has me feeling frayed, like a bunch of loose ends at the edge of a garment or carpet. Dealing with so many things in need of closure isn’t exciting; in fact, it’s rather tedious and tiring. It feels good to tie up these frayed edges but there are many other more fun things I’d rather be doing.
Message from Mystery Acres
There are many unfinished tasks at Mystery Acres but I don’t feel frayed about most of them. Hobbies aren’t supposed to feel like unfinished business and our piece of the forest is basically a hobby. Nonetheless, when I think about loose ends in the forest, two things come to mind.
First, I think about that carpet we put on the floor of the cabin. The edges aren’t finished so we’re going to need to do something to prevent unraveling. Having loose ends in life is also like the unfinished edges of carpet; these are the places our lives are at risk of unraveling. Is there someone you’ve been “meaning to call, write, or visit? Is there an important task you’ve left incomplete, exposing you to risk in some way?
Second, I think about Oscar when we sat outside the first time with him during the arrival of darkness. Sitting on my lap he began to tremble. I wrapped him in a towel, thinking he was cold, but he continued to tremble. I concluded he was scared. Like a frayed edge of the carpet, he was exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know what it may have been like for him when he was a stray, but I imagine there were some dark and scary times.
The message of Mystery Acres is to think about the places where our lives are frayed and at risk of unraveling, places we are exposed and vulnerable. Dealing with these places of loose ends helps us feel more secure; which is why I took Oscar inside the motor-home. He will learn to trust the darkness of the forest, but he doesn’t have to learn that in one night.
Ancient Mystery’s Voice
“Only one came back and thanked Jesus, who responded, ‘Where are the other nine?’” (see Luke 17: 11-19 for full story)
Proper etiquette after receiving a gift is to send a thank you card. I admit this is not one of my strengths. I much prefer an in-person expression of gratitude, an email, or a text message rather than a handwritten note with stamp and address required. And I must confess to missing many opportunities to properly say thanks.
Two thousand years ago, when Jesus was doing ministry as a physical human walking among us, He often healed people. One such healing is recorded in the 17th chapter of Luke, where Jesus healed ten men with leprosy; they followed His directions to show themselves to the priests and were healed on the way. Being a leper meant banishment from community with others, including religious gatherings; being declared “clean” required passing an inspection by the priests.
All ten men were healed of leprosy on their obedient trip to show themselves to the priests, but only one of the ten came back to Jesus to express his gratitude. The other nine went on their way without sending a “thank you note.” It’s hard to imagine they weren’t grateful to be healed; why didn’t they bother to give thanks to the One who healed them?
Jesus received the gratitude of the one who came to say thanks but also questioned the whereabouts of the other nine. Jesus added, ‘Has no one else returned to give glory to God except you?” I wonder what their excuses were for not tying up the loose end of saying “thanks” to their source of healing? Did they rush to return to their previous lives, only to have regrets later for not returning to give thanks first?
I also wonder which group I’m in. Am I the one who makes it a priority to say thanks, or a part of the majority who get distracted and busy and just keep moving? How many blessings have I received from the Lord for which I have neglected to send up a note of thanks?
What about you? What gifts have you received from the Lord for which you have failed to “return thanks” to Him? No stamp, envelope, or address is needed, just remembering to tie up the loose end of being blessed by returning a word of thanks to the Source of the blessing.
Living in Mystery
What does it mean to live in the mystery of dealing with loose ends? I read a study many years ago about what our minds do with unfinished business. I remember it because I was a waitress in my teenage years, and the study included subjects who waited on tables. The research was about memory and found that open tickets are remembered and closed ones are forgotten. This seems logical; while waiting tables it is important to “remember” the customers still needing attention and those who are finished are dismissed from mental consideration.
Unfinished business is the “open tickets” of the mind, requiring mental attention until completed, even when we aren’t consciously aware of the drain. The relief we feel when we finally finish something unfinished is probably due to the closing of the mental seepage. Feeling emotionally “frayed” comes from having many loose ends in need of attention. How can we become less frayed and deal with some of our loose ends?
First, finish this statement: “I’ve been meaning to _______.” Take several days to ask yourself about unfinished business, making a list of everything that comes to mind. This list is the set of “open tickets” running in the background of your mind.
Second, finish this statement: “I regret not ever _______.” The responses to this statement are probably more deeply buried, running in the back of the background of your mind and your heart. As you include these “open tickets” on your list of unfinished business, consider which of these regrets can still be remedied. If tying up these loose ends is still possible, I challenge you to find a way to wrap them up and stop having the drain of regret. If resolution is not possible, find a way to make peace with the historic version of you who neglected to address something important.
Third, pledge one day a week to address your loose ends. Which day of the week can you best take care of the business of what makes you feel frayed? Put that list of “open tickets” into the compartment of that one day each week; excuse yourself from dealing with it on the other six days. This “mental compartmentalization” will free up mental and emotional energy for six days and improve your focus for tying things up on the assigned day each week.
For me, I have so many loose ends at this point that I have different ones assigned to each of four days per week, excusing myself on only three days. Mondays are when I will address loose ends of the position I am leaving behind. Tuesdays are when I will address various unfinished legal and financial matters, some of which are related to the change in my employment. Wednesdays are when I address the on-boarding tasks of my upcoming role (which aren’t really loose ends yet but I feel frayed because of all of the upcoming changes). Thursdays are for writing and well-being, not frayed ends. Fridays are when I work on unfinished home projects. Weekends are for recreation, friends, and church. I was feeling overwhelmed and frayed by so many loose ends; putting them into categories and restricting them to certain days has slowed the background stress for me.
Lastly, living in the mystery of feeling less frayed means expressing more gratitude for blessings. A gift has not been properly received until the receiver has returned to say thanks to the giver. Don’t be one of the nine who just go on; be the one who goes out of your way to express gratitude.
As an old mom to young parents, are you teaching your children to finish things? Some parents will complete their child’s unfinished business, which problematically teaching the child that they don’t have to finish things because their parents will do the work for them. It’s better to encourage your child to tie up their own loose ends, drawing their attention to the natural sense of satisfaction that comes from doing so. This includes teaching your children to return thanks to anyone who gives them something.
Living in the mystery of dealing with loose ends so as not to feel frayed requires awareness of those raveling edges. Make a conscious effort to tie things up; notice the relief from stopping the mental and emotional drain of unfinished business. And remember receiving a blessing isn’t complete until the “thank you” is on its way.
Connecting With Mystery
Dear Lord of All Mystery, I confess to ignoring important tasks and relationships where my life is at risk of unraveling. Help me to be aware of the loose ends in my life and to have the strength and courage to tie them up. Thank You for blessing me in so many ways; help me to be one who returns to say thanks. Amen.
Notes from Dr. Mac
I have a correction to make regarding my post entitled “Wait.” In it I described a 40-day wait for the disciples between the ascension of Jesus and the arrival of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost. I was right about a 40-day time period but wrong about its starting and ending dates. There were 40 days between the Resurrection and Pentecost; an estimated 10 days between the ascension and Pentecost. Sorry for my mistake and thank you to one of my readers for sending correct information.
If you want to do your own investigation of any of the scriptures I use, I suggest you go to Bible Gateway. This free online version of the Bible allows a search of words or phrases in various translations. You might enjoy reading the entire story of the ten lepers in Luke 17.
You can find previous posts and podcasts in my ARCHIVE and organized compilations in the My “Books” section. You can also find Mystery’s Voice on Spotify .
Do you have thoughts to share? Please leave a comment below or through the Substack App, or email me privately at Dear Dr. Mac. I love to hear from you! Thanks for reading or listening!
