My life is haunted, not by ghosts, but by specters of fear from painful experiences in my past. I can be fine one moment; the next I am tormented because of a reminder of something painful. Do such specters of fear come to haunt you? I suspect they do from time to time.
My Mysterious Mind
On Saturday morning, Oscar didn’t eat his breakfast. One year ago, that’s how Ollie started his final decline. Two surgeries later we lost him on November 21, 2023, a sad time I wrote about in Surrounded. I’m haunted by specters of those two weeks, reminders of the pain, and now this. Oscar, the dog who filled the hole in our home left by Ollie, didn’t eat his breakfast.
Instead, he went outside and started to eat grass, another specter of the past reminding me of Ollie, who did the same thing after refusing his food. Tortured questions flooded my ind. Is it a nut lodged in his intestines? Do we do surgery, or do we have him euthanized (which was the final step in losing Ollie)? How can this be happening after we had five hickory trees removed from our backyard (at no small expense, I might add)? Will Oscar keep getting sicker like Ollie did? If so, when will we take him to the vet? Will we have to face the horror of going back to the emergency animal hospital where we said final goodbye to Ollie? My thoughts raced ahead, fueled by specters of fear, to the worst possible outcome: We’re going to lose Oscar, just like we lost Ollie.
That’s what specters of fear, hauntings from the past, do. Their persistent and terrifying questions take us to the horrible end we fear most.
As the morning passed, Oscar and Smudgie (our other dog, a puggle) started playing “dog wars” in the living room. The sounds of their skirmish comforted me. Maybe Oscar is going to be OK. After I finished my breakfast and offered the bowl to him, he licked it clean, just like he usually does. He’s not horribly sick, at least not yet. Perhaps this is just an upset stomach.
And so it goes. The specters from a painful past suggest a terrible outcome while more rational thoughts battle for an all is well, or soon will be, mindset. If all things work together for good and all good things come from God, what is the good of all of this? How was what we went through with Ollie good? How is it good to be reminded of that pain, especially now when the season already haunts me?
A friend recently shared her story of a painful time four decades ago. Some recent events triggered her to revisit a time she tries to forget. How is it good for her to be reminded of an awful chapter of her life, long in the past? What is the possible benefit of such torturing specters?
What are the specters from your past that return to haunt you, cued by current experiences? Where is the wound you carry, not completely healed, salted by today’s signals? When these specters fill your mind with suggested horrors, what could be the possible good? How can such hauntings of fear bring healing into places of deeply buried injury?
Message of Mystery Acres
There are secrets in the forest of Mystery Acres, memories of a painful time during the final years of the Osage people who lived there. The trees cannot speak, but they tell me of a time when they were connected to people who lived there long ago. Our property lies within the boundaries of Treaty 179 (1832), one of the last three treaties in the United States, agreements the native people made with the immigrants who colonized the area, to leave their land and relocate to reservations. The Osage people coexisted with the European settlers until they were no longer welcome. County records tell of that time and of a tribal leader who didn’t leave with his people, choosing instead to remain in a cave until he died of self-starvation. The details of the people who specifically used our land are not recorded in any detail. But the trees testify to their presence.
Several of these trees were shaped by native people and tell a story of a time before the Osage left. Something happened here, but the trees don’t speak clearly. I wrote about these trees in Alignment, including a description of Grandfather, who “looks” to the west. To what or where Grandfather is looking is a mystery, but a strange tree holds a possible answer. Directly to the west of Grandfather, at a distance typical of the space between marker trees, is a weird tree I call Troll. Looking like a grotesque forest creature with a huge open mouth, Troll is hard to miss. But what he might be saying, I only recently began to hear.
Our section of the forest has many trees like Troll, oak trees with an odd hole pushed to one side. Troll is by far the most dramatic of these trees, his features most pronounced and “mouth” the largest. A tree expert speculated that these odd features are the result of the original trunk having been cut off, probably for timber, pushed aside as the tree, still alive, grew a new trunk. That made sense to me because the land was most likely cleared in the early 1970s when developed into lots. The marker trees, not good for timber, were not cut down, but other large trees very likely were. Some of them grew new trunks, the severed trunk pushed to one side, the center decayed, leaving a strange hole.
But Troll seems different, bigger and older than the others. Still, if he had importance to the native people, what possible purpose might he have served? Last fall, a teenage visitor to our property noticed something about Troll I had never before seen. The “mouth” has evidence of strap marks, perhaps from being tethered in some way to enlarge the opening. These indentations are on both sides of the hole. Was Troll intentionally shaped to provide a secret place inside?
I read that native people, in the years when their territories were being invaded by foreigners, developed a method of leaving secret messages to each other in trees. Was Troll part of a clandestine communication system? If so, his wound is more than that of an injured tree; his injury speaks of a wounded people, whose way of existence was in peril.
The message of Mystery Acres is one of long-ago wounds, whose specters call to us from the distant past. I visit Troll and I sense the sadness and fear of those who walked before me. They loved this land and each other. Our specters of fear, triggered by hauntings of past hurts, also whisper of love. The wounds we bear are from injuries of places or people (or pets) we loved. Only those who have loved will know the haunting of such specters of fear.
Ancient Mystery’s Voice
“Blessed are the ones mourning because they shall be comforted by God.” (see Matthew 5:4)
There is a profound distress cued by specters from the past, reminding their targets of unbearable anguish. An overpowering sense of helplessness accompanies such hauntings. The past holds pain that has never healed; the specters suggest a repeat of such suffering. Nothing could be done then, and nothing can be done now. Pain came and it threatens to come again. Something or someone deeply loved was hurt or lost and the mourning caused hasn’t fully healed.
The words of Ancient Mystery declare words of blessing for such times of mourning. Such agony certainly doesn’t seem as though it is a time of blessing. But Jesus said, and Matthew recorded it: “blessed are the ones mourning.” But why or how are they blessed?
The ones who mourn are blessed because they shall be comforted by God. Sometimes this verse is translated as “those who mourn are blessed because they will be comforted.” But that isn’t what Jesus said. He didn’t say they “will” be comforted; He said they SHALL be comforted. He used the stronger word shall because the source of comfort is from God, not dependent upon the whims or will of humans. God may use people to deliver some of the comfort He sends to the mourning, but He is doing the comforting.
Paul wrote, in his second letter to the Corinthians: “Blessed be God and the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassions and God of all comfort, the One comforting us in all our troubles.” (2 Cor. 1: 3-4). We live in a trouble-filled world; our lives full of fear, sadness, and suffering. The world wasn’t created this way, God made it perfect, without suffering, illness, or death. In that perfect existence, God was in complete relationship with people, His finest creation. But human free will broke that perfect life and total connection with the Creator. The God of all comfort reaches out with His presence to help. And Immanuel, Jesus Christ, is the perfect fulfillment of that comfort. Because of Jesus, people don’t need to be separated and suffering from their Creator.
Even the most stubborn, independent person will be more open to the God of all comfort and His presence when the heart wrenching grip of mourning seizes them. Being independent is not a bad thing, but, when it comes to spiritual independence, there is serious risk of permanent separation from God. The pain of mourning can bring the most important blessing of all, the God of all Comfort into a previously isolated life.
Ancient Mystery’s Voice cries out to those who are mourning, who are haunted by specters of fear. His voice is an invitation to bring the blessing of His presence, the most important blessing of all. Blessed are those who are mourning; the God of all Comfort shall come to them.
Living in Mystery
Before I explore how to live in the mystery of specters of fear and how they can bring not only hauntings but also peculiar blessings, I am happy to report that Oscar is fine. By the end of the day, he was back to eating normally. That’s good because three days later our lives were haunted by the serious illness of our granddaughter, who was hospitalized with RSV pneumonia. My husband and I remembered when our daughter, the baby’s mother, had RSV pneumonia. In addition, my sister-in-law recalled the scary time when her first daughter was hospitalized for the same. One ten-month-old little granddaughter was fighting for her life, while those who loved her were fighting the specters of similar, previous experiences. And, four days into our granddaughter's hospitalization, she is showing signs of recovery.
So, what good can come of these hauntings? For those whose specters are cued by the pain of past injuries, such hauntings bring a chance to receive comfort not available at the time of injury. As my friend described her terrible season, she shared how alone she was in her original season of pain. Circumstances imprisoned her to suffer mostly in isolation. Now, several decades later, these memories resurfaced, bringing pain and fear with them. But this time she wasn’t alone. I was able to comfort her, reaching back into the past with words not present at the time of wounding. If you are haunted by specters from a painful past, tell someone.
Wounds from painful times can take many years to heal. When something happening now prompts specters to emerge, haunting your thoughts of a difficult time, their arrival could signal a time to heal more completely. Yes, you may need to cry…. again. Some wounds heal in stages, with pauses between those times of healing. A haunting specter, though disturbing, can be an invitation to bring deeper healing into places of long-ago pain.
Being haunted by specters of fear has its origins in places of pain. Today can bring reminders of old wounds; haunting thoughts emerge to torment us. Rather than seeing these specters as enemies, we can see their arrival as a signal for healing. Perhaps comfort is available now but was absent in the past. Revisiting an old wound can provide healing into places still buried and hurting. When a specter of fear arrives to haunt you, ask what blessing it might be bringing. The God of all Comfort longs to arrive on the scene of your suffering and bring the healing of His presence.
Connecting with Mystery
Dear Lord of All Mystery, specters of fear have haunted me recently. My thoughts returning to times of pain and terror of possible, recurrent suffering grips my mind. Help me to open myself to the blessings you can bring when I am haunted. Help me to know the comfort and healing of those who love me. Thank You for being the God of all Comfort who brings me the blessing of Your presence. Help me learn to depend on You and Your goodness. Amen.
Notes from Dr. Mac
If you want to do your own investigation of any of the scriptures I use, I suggest you go to Bible Gateway. This free online version of the Bible allows a search of words or phrases in various translations. I suggest you do a search of the word “comfort” in the scripture. You’ll find connection with people from ancient times. You will also find words of comfort from the God of all comfort.
You can find previous posts of my work at my ARCHIVE and organized compilations in the My Books section. You can also find Mystery’s Voice on Spotify.
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