Passed Over

The Pain of Being Not Chosen

Introduction

Have you ever worked really hard at something and failed? Have you been “passed-over” for a job or other opportunity?  How many rejection letters have you received? Thank you for joining me in this issue of The Adventure of Reflection as I explore the pain of failure, loss, and being not chosen.

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A Minute of Motivation

Failure

Life is not an endless series of exciting successes. Rather, a meaningful life contains countless times of failure.

Every success is built upon failure. Successful people are those who fail but get up and try again, and then if they continue to fail, they get up and try yet again. Successful people dare to fail so they can learn what it takes to succeed. Success requires failure. To succeed you must be willing to fail and also to keep trying.

Do you want a life that contains excitement and success, or one of mediocrity? Mediocrity will minimize failures. Success and excitement will necessitate failure. But it is in failure that we discover our errors and how to do better next time. Failure is merely the discovery of what will not work, which then leads to the awareness of what will work.

The only person who is exempt from failures is the one who isn’t trying anything new and challenging. Dare to fail so you can succeed.

Note. Originally published in 1992 and republished here.

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Enjoy Life More

Find Joy in Being Passed Over

My “resume of life” is full of many wonderful accomplishments. A written record probably won’t include the times when things didn’t go the way I wanted them to. I have received stacks of rejection letters for work I tried to publish. I have applied for many programs and positions for which I was not chosen. And, as a child, I was one of the last ones picked for any team. I probably wouldn’t have been chosen at all if the PE teacher hadn’t required everyone to play.

It is painful to be passed over after saying “pick me!” by stepping out from the shadows. Honestly, it hurts to remember these times, even now. The same is probably true for you and most people. I recently “threw my hat in the ring” for a promotion, one in which I am certain I would have been extraordinary. I had incredible letters of recommendation. And I worked many hours to write an impressive cover letter.

I didn’t even get an interview.

When I found out someone else had been chosen, and I was passed over, I quickly texted or emailed those who had supported me with letters or prayers. Their responses included: “not meant to be,” “I’m truly sorry they didn’t go with you,” “Bummer,” “I think you would have been great at the position,” “you showed your ambition, which is good,” “apparently not where you’re supposed to be,” “I’m sorry,” “Sorry to hear that but happy you went for it,” “it just means the universe has a better door open for you,” and “let’s see what the Lord opens next.”

It’s been three days and the emotional impact is just now hitting me: Passed over – again. I am trying to push words onto this page as I process the pain, a pain I didn’t think I would have this time. After all, I have been through this many times before. I tried to go through the motions and not have the rejection get to me. I failed. This hurts.

I am certain I was supposed to apply, so I did. I recently saw “Hamilton” and was moved by the stirring chorus of “I am not throwing away my shot.” Maybe this was my shot? If so, I wasn’t going to miss taking it.

But it wasn’t my shot, so what was this all about? I don’t know yet. What I do know is there is so much joy to be found in this experience. I learned, once again, there are many people who DO value what I have to offer. None of them were decision-makers on this position. I have many wonderful friends and colleagues; I could have had dozens of letters of support if I had wanted them. I am surrounded by many people who care deeply about me.

Have you been passed over for something you thought you wanted? I’m so sorry. It hurts. I encourage you to claim the joy in the experience. Notice the people around you who care about you and are helping you through the pain of not being chosen. I’m not certain about the whole “better door” notion. Maybe it’s true. Maybe all of the doors ahead will be locked. I have been trying a lot of doors lately; they are all closed. Will I keep trying new doors? I hope so. One of them might be open. And, if not, I have so much joy on this side of every locked door. I am confident you do, too. Go find it.

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Faith Corner

“Because of the blood, death will pass over you.” (see Exodus 12:13)

Three and half thousand years ago Jewish people were enslaved in Egypt. After a series of plagues meant to encourage Pharaoh to release them, the final plague was the death of the first-born. The people of Israel were protected from this plague by painting their door frames with lamb blood. The religious holiday, Passover, is still celebrated by many Jews as a way of remembering this event. They remember the “passing over” of death during the plague and the consequent release from Egyptian slavery.

For Christians, the original Passover lamb is replaced by the sacrificial “Lamb” of Jesus, whose blood “painted” the cross of crucifixion. To believers in Jesus, the blood He shed results in death passing over them. They further believe the sacrificial death has released them from the slavery of sin.

As a Christian, I believe in the power of this ultimate “passing over” of death and my release from a self-oriented, sin-filled life. I have also been thinking about the times I have been “passed over” for positions I thought I wanted. Perhaps these positions were “death” to me, and I was being protected? It helps to think of times when being not chosen as times when something horrible was passing-over.

Dear Lord, there is much in the ancient stories of Your people that is hard to fully comprehend. It is a great mystery how blood can protect from death, especially since death is all around us every day. Help me to trust You with this mystery and the blessing of protection it provides. Show me how being passed over for something I wanted were times of Your protection. Thank You for helping me to trust You. Amen.

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Poetry Pause

Unwanted

Choosing teams for children’s games –

I was Unwanted.

Applying for jobs I thought I wanted –

I was Unwanted.

Having expertise but not utilized –

I was Unwanted.

Am I forgotten?

Am I Unimportant?

Am I Unwanted?

Hidden in my mother’s womb –

I was Wanted.

To a friend who felt alone –

I was Wanted.

For a husband and our kids –

I am Wanted.

To a neighbor who’s in need –

I am Wanted.

To my Savior who died for me –

I am Wanted.

In the hearts of all I love –

I am Wanted.

I am Remembered.

I am Important.

I am Wanted.

By Cindy MacGregor, September 8, 2022

Note. I have had a series of disappointments in my professional world in recent years. I wrote this poem after one of those times of being “passed-over.”

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Old Mom to Young Mom

Only One Person Gets First Place

Some modern psychologists have asserted competition is hazardous for children’s development. The rationale against competition is it hurts children’s little “self-esteems.” These “experts” are focused on children feeling good about themselves, even if the efforts create an unrealistic sense of worth.

This is problematic. Even if our children’s little sports teams award all of the children a participation trophy, eventually the harsh world will teach them that only one person or team wins. No matter the competition, there are those who win and those who do not. That’s just life. Most job applicants do not get the job. Most competition entries are not selected as the winner.

It’s no fun to lose. I have seen many a professional athlete in tears after a big game. But what is worse than losing is not playing. The only true loss is missed opportunity. Better to say, “I didn’t win but I played,” than to say, “I didn’t win because I never played.” There’s pain in losing but there’s more pain in never trying.

As an old mom to young parents, I encourage you to teach your children about how competition works in the “real world.” Only one person gets first place. Only one person gets the job. Support your children through the sting of loss, but don’t shield them from it. To be successful adults they will need to know how to work through defeat and not being chosen.

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Dear Dr. Mac

Dear Dr. Mac,

I have difficulty with claustrophobia sometimes.    The “submerged feeling” produces anxiety….. thank you for talking about how to overcome.

[Signed] Marci

Dear Marci,

I hadn’t thought of claustrophobia as a feeling of being submerged, but it makes sense. That post has been quite popular; perhaps there are others who have made the connection to their sense of claustrophobia and have also found my thoughts helpful. You are so good to me with your encouraging words!!! Thank you!

[Signed] Dr. Mac

To my readers:

You can find all my previous posts at https://cindymacgregor.substack.com/archive

If you would like to share your thoughts, you can do so in two ways. You can leave a comment below for other readers to see or you can send a private email to: drcjmacgregor@outlook.com; I will respond to your email, and if applicable, ask you if you are open to my sharing our dialogue with other readers in this section of a future newsletter. I hope to hear from you!