Introduction
Humans have competing needs of autonomy and intimacy; we are simultaneously pulled away from each other into independence and pulled towards each other in connectedness. In today’s issue of The Adventure of Reflection, I explore the challenges of connecting with each other.
A Minute of Motivation
Porcupines on a Cold Night
Imagine each of us is a porcupine on a bitterly cold night. Being close to each other would certainly help us to feel warmer, however, how would we keep from hurting each other?
Getting emotionally close to each other is about as tricky and potentially painful as two porcupines snuggling close together. At a distance from each other there is much less potential to cause pain – but get close and “OUCH!” –that’s when we can really hurt each other. We injure each other not with porcupine quills, but with pointed words and cruel actions – often unintentionally. Just as porcupines mean no harm when they get close to each other, we mean no harm when we get close to each other. It’s just the way we are – selfish, hurtful behavior is part of being human.
The alternative to being close enough to hurt and to be hurt is to be distant and alone. Being alone is like wandering around in a blizzard – lost, freezing, and frightened. This world is far too cold and crazy a place in which to live to face it alone.
How do we enjoy the close warmth of each other’s companionship without hurting each other? We don’t. Hurting each other is inevitable. That’s why the ointment of forgiveness is essential to any meaningful relationship. Forgiveness is a medicine that heals the wounds quickly; we just need to remember to use it continuously.
Dare to get close enough to others to feel the warmth of their presence, but include the ointment of forgiveness for the wounds produced by such closeness. Be a courageous porcupine — snuggle up with other porcupines.
Note. This was written pre-1993 and preserved on dot-matrix printer paper. It is published for the first time here.
Enjoy Life More
Connect with Each Other
I have been reading a powerful book titled Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope, by Johann Hari. The author details several societal trends that are underlying the increase in depression and anxiety in modern life. One of those causes is described in Chapter 7: Disconnection from Other People.
Many years ago, when my maternal grandmother was still alive, I asked her how the world had changed since she was young. Without missing a beat, she asserted, “People just don’t care about each other like they used to.” In her younger years she had known a strong sense of community, a strength that had grown much less prevalent as people became more independent and self-sufficient.
Have we become a bunch of lonely, freezing porcupines? We gather with increasing numbers of people, in larger and larger stadiums, but if Johann Hari and my grandmother are correct, we are less connected with each other than in generations past. Despite lives full of people, many of us are more alone, and lonely, than our grandparents.
The solution is simple: deepen your connections with other people. Get off your phone and talk to the person next to you. Linger over coffee and have an honest conversation. Set aside your “everything’s fine” facade and peek behind the similar facade of someone else. This sounded easy at first, but now, what I am suggesting, is getting a little scary.
Life is meant to be experienced in relationships. Our sorrows are divided and our joys are multiplied when shared. To enjoy life more, stop distracting yourself and focus on being with another person. Have courage. Develop community. Be old-fashioned. Care about other people like your grandparents did.
Faith Corner
“In You, the orphan finds compassion.” (Hosea 14: 3)
The word “orphan” brings images of great sadness, loneliness, and abandonment. The child without parents is dangerously alone, without protection, food, or shelter.
Hosea wasn’t writing about actual orphans but about the children of God who were feeling abandoned and rejected by Him, their spiritual father. These wayward children needed only to “return to the Lord” (v. 2) and He would “heal their waywardness and love them freely” (v. 4). They were feeling like orphans because they had strayed, not because they had been abandoned or forgotten by their Father.
God, the Father, is waiting with compassion for the orphan to return to Him. These orphans, who were feeling abandoned and rejected by God, were actually causing feelings of rejection to a Father eager to restore them into relationship with Him. When we are feeling like spiritual orphans, we are the ones who need to return to the safety and love of the Father.
Dear Lord, thank You for having compassion on us, Your children, even when we have rejected You. Draw the wayward, “orphan” back to you. Stir up in us, and all people, the desire to return to the warmth and safety of Your unfailing love. Help us to have the courage to draw near to You, knowing You are eager to love us. Amen.
Poetry Pause
Love is a Decision
He’s hurting me!
He’s in pain.
He should stop hurting me!
Maybe he can’t.
He should say he’s sorry.
What if he doesn’t?
He should!
Maybe he can’t.
Forgive him.
But … he hurt me!
Many times.
Forgive him anyway.
I can’t.
You don’t want to.
Right. I don’t want to.
Do it anyway.
Why?
Love.
What?!
Love. Decide to love.
Decide to forgive.
Ok, I’ll try.
You can’t.
What?!
You cannot forgive.
You cannot love.
But I can.
I have.
I am.
You hurt Me.
I did?
You did.
Many times.
You should stop.
Maybe I can’t.
You can’t.
Not without Me.
How can You help?
I died.
You what?!
I died.
For you.
Why?
Love.
What?!
Love. I decided to love.
So I decided to forgive.
But that meant I had to die.
Suffer.
And die.
Now forgive him.
He doesn’t deserve it.
Neither do you.
But I decided to love.
I decided to forgive.
I forgave you.
But I hurt you.
Yes. You did.
Many times.
I forgive you.
[silence]
Forgive him.
Decide to love.
Decide to forgive.
[silence of surrender]
Ok.
By Cindy MacGregor, August 8, 2019
Note. This poem is written as a conversation with God. I have tried to capture this exchange by putting God’s responses in italics.
Old Mom to Young Mom
Teaching Remorse
Good parents respond to their baby’s cries and try to fix whatever is hurting them. The distress of the baby is uncomfortable to the parent, causing their own internal distress, activating the desire to help. Then, after the first year and a half, a necessary shift happens for effective parents. The parent, in response to the inappropriate behavior of their child, becomes the source of the child’s distress. Effective parents bring consequences for a child’s misbehavior and cause their children to be distressed.
Some parents don’t make this shift successfully. Good parents shouldn’t think of their job as making sure their children are happy. Sometimes, a good parent’s job is making sure their children are unhappy. Unpleasant consequences for inappropriate behavior should create distress for the child. Over time this distress becomes an internalized part of guiding future, appropriate behavior. This internalized distress is called remorse.
When a child gets in trouble, their reaction should be more than a regret for having gotten caught. Sociopaths have that. Well-adjusted, loving adults, capable of having meaningful relationships with other adults, experience remorse when their behavior has been hurtful. The capability of feeling remorse isn’t automatic; parents providing unpleasant consequences for misbehavior is part of the context in which remorse is developed.
But unpleasant consequences work best when combined with the experience of having damaged an important relationship. When your child has disappointed or hurt you, they need to feel the damage their behavior has caused you. Feeling damage in a valued relationship drives improvements in behavior. It’s healthy for a child to be driven by not wanting to hurt or disappoint their parents.
Love and law, delivered in tandem, are the complete context for the development of healthy remorse. Remorse, because it is uncomfortable, pushes behavior that builds and connects with people, and restrains behavior that hurts and separates people. From an old mom to young parents, love your children enough to cause them distress when their behavior is unacceptable. This distress, delivered because you love them, helps develop remorse. And remorse is something well-adjusted adults, and not sociopaths, experience.
Dear Dr. Mac
Dear Dr. Mac,
Thanks for your most recent newsletter titled "Roots" (my favorite, so far). This one especially had real depth 😉. I appreciate your openness and vulnerability in sharing a most hurtful experience as it relates to this topic. As I ponder your words this week, and the Job 14:7-9 passage, I'm reminded of, and encouraged by, the fact that even if the trunk of our life is cut down, the roots remain intact. One's foundation, character, experiences, knowledge, and life are still present, and stored, in one's "roots" so that a "new" shoot, while appearing young and fresh, is really springing forth as a mature and hardy branch. All it takes is the presence of the "Living Water" to nourish and sustain its growth. As one who has had a small part in encouraging your new growth, I would say you're flourishing.
Sincerely your friend and supporter,
PD
Hi PD,
Thanks for encouraging feedback on "Roots." I have been pondering your words all week, savoring them actually. You made an important point about "one's foundation, character, experiences, knowledge, and life" still being present after the cutting down. This is a comforting truth for those seasons of life when there are losses, when parts of our lives are "cut off" and what is visible is horribly damaged. Below the surface, the most important parts remain. Recovery and "new growth" after trauma are facilitated by inner health and strength.
Thanks for being my friend and supporter, and for consistently pointing the way to find Living Water.
Cindy
To My Readers,
If you would like to share your reactions to something I wrote or ask me what I think about something, please send an email to: drcjmacgregor@outlook.com; I will respond via email or in this section of a future newsletter, or both. I hope to hear from you!
You can find all my previous posts at https://cindymacgregor.substack.com/archive
I love “courage to snuggle”