Reunion

Prepare by Reconciling

Introduction

This issue of The Adventure of Reflection is the last of the R-Series. As I trudge through this life I am aware of many others who have gone before me and await my arrival at my journey’s end. As I travel to the final, grand reunion, I prepare by reconciling grievances created along the way. Thank you for joining me as I contemplate this reunion and the peace-making needed to prepare for it.

Note about the image: This picture is the reunion of two bears, one loved from our daughter’s childhood, and the other purchased by her in South Korea to fill an empty place. The childhood bear, simply named “Bear,” traveled to South Korea with me in my suitcase.

---

A Minute of Motivation

Revenge

“By taking revenge a man is but even with his enemy; in passing it over, he is superior.” Francis Bacon

Ever get so mad you want to rip someone’s head off? Or at least rough them up a lot? Or perhaps you plan more subtle ways to “get even.”

To be human is to experience many emotions, including anger. Being angry is normal, but how we deal with our anger is a true sign of our character. When someone hurts you, do you plot your revenge? Or do you see that person as a distressed and damaged human being who needs your love and compassion?

To hurt people who hurt you makes you no different from them. Far better to respond in an understanding way than to instinctively react in a hostile way. Realize that when someone attacks or hurts you, he or she has pain inside that is hurled at others. The hostility may not be entirely because of something you did; you may just be an available target.

Learn to let go with love, rather than to return the pain.

Note. Originally published in 1992; republished here because of the focus on preparing for reunion through reconciliation. This is the final minute motivator from my 30-year-old repository.

---

Enjoy Life More

Defeat Contempt

Healthy relationships are foundational to enjoying life. Few human beings find joy in being complete isolated, at least not for long periods of time. Living with other humans has its challenges, though. Inevitably there are times when being with other humans brings conflict and frustration.

An interesting approach to relationships, developed by the Gottman Institute, identifies four unhealthy communication patterns and refers to these patterns as the “four horsemen.” The metaphor is obvious as the horsemen bring destruction and death; in the case of relationships, the horsemen are associated with unresolved conflict and broken relationships.

Criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling are three of the four unhealthy communication patterns. The fourth, contempt, is the most associated with divorce. Treating someone with contempt is characterized by disrespect, sarcasm, and ridicule. To view someone with contempt is to do so from a place of moral superiority. The goal of contempt is to make the other person feels detested and insignificant.

Contempt is pretty ugly. I’d like to believe I am not capable of expressing contempt, but I am at risk of feeling morally superior, which is the precursor to treating someone with contempt. Feeling morally superior is to see someone as not worthy of respect because of being better than them.

Defeating contempt is best done at the core, which means replacing moral superiority with an attitude of respect. The voice of contempt says “I would never do anything like that” when seeing the mistakes of another. You might be thinking it now as you consider contempt, thinking, “I would never treat someone like that.”

And, yet, I suspect each of us do view others with contempt, perhaps filtering its full expression from rearing its ugly horseman head into our relationships. Thinking about contempt makes me uncomfortable. I suspect it finds its way into most of our relationships in sneaky ways, maybe in the times when others make mistakes that cause us pain. Contempt sneaks in with the thought “I would not have made that mistake.” And, once it arrives in our minds, an invisible wedge enters into the relationship, one that elevates us and downgrades the offender.

To enjoy life more, beware the deadly horseman of contempt. Practice respect and appreciation for others. Recognize the ugliness of moral superiority and fight it with humility. We all make mistakes. And feeling contempt for someone is one of the worst mistakes to make.

---

Faith Corner

“If possible, as far as it is up to you, live at peace with others.” (See Romans 12:18)

In Paul’s letter to the Romans, he wrote about interpersonal conflict. He advised not to pay back evil with evil, in other words, not to take revenge. Towards the end of the section, he advised not to be conquered by evil, but to conquer evil with good.

This is a tall order to deliver when wronged by someone. Human nature calls for striking back when hurt by another. This primal instinct is suitable for those living outside of civilized society. But, living in community with others requires rising above our innate reaction to strike back when struck.

Humans need to be together, but there are selfish forces at work within and between us that drive us apart. Simply put, these selfish impulses are evil, destroying the fabric of our relationships and our communities. What defeats evil? Paul advises to conquer evil with good.

Paul said to live at peace with others as much as possible. Setting a high bar, Jesus spoke of loving our enemies and doing good to those who persecute us. This is clearly not a position of revenge, which pays back evil for evil, reducing the offended to the level of the offender.

Are you in conflict with someone? Let me ask you this: Is heaven big enough for both of you? When you get to the next life, do you want someone you loathe to not be there?

That’s ugly. If believers are right, there’s a great reunion planned for us. Restoring peace into our relationships, bringing reconciliation, is a great way to prepare for that grand reunion. Revenge, bitterness, contempt, and resentment are best resolved before the final reunion invitations arrive.

Dear Lord, I have been hurt by other people many times. I confess to holding resentment and bitterness in my heart towards them. Please help me to release these dark attitudes and claim peace instead. Help me to long for reconciliation between myself and anyone who has hurt me, or who I have hurt. Thank You for the grand reunion you have planned and for helping me to prepare for it. Amen.

Note. If you want to do your own investigation of any of the scriptures I use, I suggest you go to Bible Gateway. This free online version of the Bible allows a search of words or phrases in various translations.

---

Poetry Pause

My Garden Heart

My heart is a garden.

Flowers. Trees. Fruit.

And weeds.

My garden is in danger.

Contempt. Resentment. Bitterness.

Pesky weeds.

My garden needs tending.

Nurture peace.

Pull the weeds.

And stay vigilant;

Weeds are sneaky.

 By Cindy MacGregor, October 6, 2023

---

Old Mom to Young Mom

Teaching Confession and Forgiveness

Children, with their self-serving behavior, often cause problems for each other. Fighting for what they want, they push, bite, lie, and steal. Wise parents try to teach their children to behave in civilized ways towards one another. Wise parents should also teach confession and forgiveness.

When I went to high school I remember a basketball player, if they committed a foul, had to raise an arm to acknowledge their responsibility for the penalty. It wasn’t enough to be called out by jersey number, the offender had to admit the foul in a way that all could see. It has been decades since this was the normal way for players to “confess” to their penalties.

It makes me wonder if this isn’t the same trend in other interpersonal exchanges. Have we stopped emphasizing the value in admitting when we have broken a rule or caused another harm? Is acknowledging guilt a thing of the past? If so, is that a good trend? What does it do to our shared society, to our interpersonal relationships, if no one accepts responsibility when harm is caused?

I can’t fix everyone, everywhere, but I can recommend, as an old mom to young parents, that expecting a child to accept responsibility for wrongdoing is good for them. It’s uncomfortable, and that discomfort becomes internalized as conscience. Appropriate, unpleasant consequences also help to internalize a sense of right and wrong.

Children should be taught to say, “I was wrong” and “I am sorry.” And, when they hear those words from another child, children need to be taught to say, “I forgive you.”

Confession and forgiveness don’t need to be complicated, but they are needed in the healthy development of morality. Teach your children to confess and to forgive. Our shared civilization will be better because of it.

---

Dear Dr. Mac

Dear Readers:

This is it! The next newsletter will be in an updated format. The focus will be similar, but packaged differently, with some shift in part of the content. I am excited for the next season of this adventure in my reflective writing! I hope you are, too!

You can find all my previous posts at ARCHIVE. You can find the first 64 issues in an organized compilation at Reflective Adventures: Volume One.

You can share your thoughts with me by leaving a comment (see box below) or you can email me at: Dear Dr. Mac. I love to hear from you!