Triage
Reviewing Wounds and Needs
Introduction
Another year draws to a close, with the promise of a new year ahead. The untouched new year is like a beautiful, fresh layer of snow. Behind us is the ugly, trampled “snow” of the previous year. This point of transition from one year to the next beckons each of us to take inventory. Rather than a review of possible resolutions, this reflection will focus on a triage of wounds and needs.
A Minute of Motivation
Emotional Triage: Sad Boys and Angry Girls
We’ve often heard that “real men don’t cry.” Men are directed to be tough and strong and not show their emotional vulnerability to others. Society views anger as normal for men, but sadness is weakness for men.
Women, on the other hand, are labeled in negative terms if they express anger. An example is “She’s one angry b*#+&!” The societal directive for women is to “be nice” and not hurt anyone’s feelings. Crying is permissible for women, but not expressing anger.
The result of these unrealistic expectations for men to be strong and women to not get angry is emotional immaturity for both genders. When men get hurt and feel sad they tend to express it as anger, because that’s more socially acceptable. In contrast, women may be angered but find themselves crying instead of expressing their anger.
Inside of angry men are sad, little boys. Inside of sad women are angry, little girls. To be more emotionally whole all people need to express both anger and sadness. When someone or something hurts us it is a natural reaction to feel both anger and sadness. For women to express the sadness and not the anger is to trap them in a state of emotional stagnation. The same is true for men who are sad but express only their anger.
Anger and sadness are both normal, healthy emotions. If you are a woman it is healthy and normal for you to become angry and express that anger. If you are a man, it is healthy and normal for you to cry. Be willing to defy cultural expectations regarding how to feel; express the full range of your natural, human emotions. It’s a healthy response to pain for men to be sad and for women to be angry.
Note. I wrote this 30 years ago and printed it using my dot-matrix printer. I included it here because an annual triage of our own emotional maturity may reveal an imbalanced expression of sadness or anger.
Enjoy Life More
Relationship Triage: “You Complete Me”
In a recent channel-scanning I stumbled onto the movie “Jerry Maguire.” The most famous scene from the movie is the husband, played by Tom Cruise, who returns to his estranged wife and makes a passionate confession of his need for her. Fighting tears, he ends his plea with “you complete me.” She replies with, “Stop. You had me at hello.”
Something about this scene stirs viewers. At a deep level we each realize we are incomplete. Strength and independence are admirable virtues but the reality grabbing us from this scene is we are incomplete. The Hollywood solution is dependence on another person. The beautiful lie is that two incomplete people combine to form something complete.
This scene stirs the cynic in me. Two incomplete people do not combine to become something complete. A belief that another person can “complete” us is to expect the impossible. Two incomplete people don’t combine to make something complete, they combine to make life better and less incomplete.
In reality, each of us is incomplete and our lives are made more complete by a combination of other people in our lives, not by the inclusion of one person who perfectly completes us. To enjoy life more, take a realistic inventory of the people in your life. What does each person bring into an overall completeness of your world? Set aside the unrealistic expectation of becoming complete by finding that one person who “completes” you. That’s the stuff of movies, not real life. To enjoy life more, adjust your expectations and be grateful for what each person brings into the completeness of your life.
Faith Corner
Spiritual Triage: “He put on me the robe of righteousness.” (See Isaiah 61:10)
After a battle or disaster, the rescuers respond by covering the wounded with blankets and putting bandages on the cuts. The focus is to stop any bleeding and stabilize those traumatized by providing comfort and care.
We are the walking wounded. This world is a dangerous place. Injury is inevitable. We have been wounded by disappointment, insult, and disillusionment. Dreams have died. People have hurt us. Seasons of joy have ended, giving way to seasons of sorrow.
We are also the rescuers. We arrive on the disaster scene of this life with metaphorical blankets and bandages. Carefully and caring-ly approaching each other, we can gently say, “Let me see your wounds.”
It’s been a hard year, following another hard year, which followed an even harder year. There are “wounded” everywhere. The Lord comes to each of us and offers to cover us with special clothing, a robe of righteousness, His finest. Wrapped in that robe, we can turn to the wounded person next to us and offer comfort.
Dear Lord, I am hurting and am surrounded by so many others who are hurting. Wrap me in Your robe of righteousness and heal me in the covering of Your love. Help me to have the strength and compassion to see the wounded person next to me, offering comfort and courage. Thank You for being beside me in the battle. Amen.
Poetry Pause
Like the Snow
Holiness
Like the snow
Gently descends;
Ugliness covered
Bit by bit.
Stillness
Is required –
Surrender.
By Cindy MacGregor, Jan. 7, 2021
Note. I love watching the snow and the miraculous way it makes everything beautiful. The resulting perfection sparkles in the sunshine…until disturbed by tracks, shovels, and tires
.
Old Mom to Young Mom
Parental Triage: Short-Suited Parenting
In card-playing, as in life, no one gets all the good cards. Every “hand” is “short-suited” in at least one way. The same is true of every parent. You, as a parent, don’t have all the good cards and are missing something your children need.
But parenting, like cards, is better played with a team. In games of cards, it’s exciting when the weaknesses and strengths of each partner’s cards align perfectly, making a winning combination. Each parent has some good cards but not all of them. A second parent, a grandparent, a teacher, a coach, an aunt or uncle, or a neighbor, might have some of the essential cards for your child. Good parents, recognizing their short-suits, welcome the support of other caring adults to fill-in the gaps.
Your parents were also short-suited. In your own childhood there were other people who filled in the gaps where your parents were missing the necessary “cards” you needed. Hopefully you have come to a place of gratitude for the “cards” your parents had, and made peace with the “cards” they didn’t have for you.
Parenting is an incomplete, short-suited endeavor. You probably needed other supportive adults during your childhood; your children do, too. It’s OK. A wise parent recognizes how they are “short-suited” and brings in the help of those who have what their children need. Do some “parental triage” of your children’s needs and welcome the help of others.
Dear Dr. Mac
I welcome your comments and reactions. What has moved you? What made you think? If you would like to share your reactions with me, please leave a comment below, or send an email to: drcjmacgregor@outlook.com; I will respond via email or in this section of a future newsletter, or both. I hope to hear from you!
I have been writing on Substack since May 2022. If you would like to read any of my previous posts, you can find them at https://cindymacgregor.substack.com/archive