Twisted and Torn
Recovering from Heart-Break
Introduction
A violent storm came through our neighborhood a few days ago. Massive trees were pushed over onto homes and vehicles only a football field’s length from our house. Thank you for joining me in this issue of The Adventure of Reflection in which I ponder the twisted and torn aftermath of heart-break.
A Minute of Motivation
Hurt vs. Harm
A common expression for people with unresolved conflict is: “I don’t want to hurt anyone.” This intent, though usually good, can lead to avoidance of honesty in relationships. Hiding thoughts and feelings in a relationship can decrease the level of intimacy and reward such relationships can provide to the persons in them.
Perhaps there is a difference between hurting someone and harming them. To hurt someone is to cause them temporary discomfort. To harm them is to injure them in such a way that it takes a long time to recover. Hurting someone is a little like a bruise, and harming them like a broken bone. A hurt is like a scratch while harm is more like a deep cut.
Sometimes it is necessary to hurt each other in order to achieve honesty, intimacy, and openness in a relationship. The truth about how our words and actions have affected each other is essential to correcting our future behavior towards one another. The truth can hurt, but it seldom, if ever, does harm. Dishonesty is much more likely to do harm, to cause permanent damage or long-term injury to others.
In relationships with people important to you, be willing to talk about what you are thinking and feeling. There may be temporary discomfort from such honesty, but the long-term benefit is an increased connection between people.
Note. Written in 1993 and preserved on dot-matrix printer paper. This is the last page to be published from my dot-matrix archive.
Enjoy Life More
Healing Broken Hearts
“Heart-breaking.” That’s the word used by a friend of mine to describe some of my recent professional experiences. She could empathize because she, too, had been treated at work in ways that devalued her expertise. Once part of a respected program, now she, too, was fighting for herself and a meaningful path ahead.
Another colleague stopped by this week and shared his own experiences of counseling employees who were shoved aside to make way for younger, less-experienced ones. In a society that values the energy and fresh ideas of youth, the slower, seasoned sages are pushed to the back of the shelf. Once at the center of the action, their wisdom and perspective is discounted. It’s a bit like being put in the clearance bin with one’s price tag slashed.
The picture in this newsletter is of a tree by our driveway. The top of the tree was twisted and torn by a strong wind, perhaps the bottom of a small tornado passing overhead. The blue sky in the picture is the space once occupied by the treetop. The tree is badly twisted and torn but it will survive because there is more of the tree still intact than the parts torn out. The undamaged parts will bring life into the wounded parts.
Broken hearts are like that. It may feel like all is destroyed, but, looking closely, there is more alive and whole than has been destroyed. The broken hearts will be healed, in time, by drawing life from the surviving parts.
My workplace friends are parts of my heart that are not destroyed. If your heart has been broken, enjoy life more by looking around for the parts of your heart that are still healthy and whole. What relationships and places are still a part of your world? Use those parts to bring healing into the broken parts.
Faith Corner
Jesus came “to heal the brokenhearted.” (see Luke 4:18)
“Truth Be Told,” a Christian contemporary song by Matthew West resonates with me lately. The chorus of “I’m fine, yeah, I’m fine, yeah, I’m fine” is similar to my tenacious efforts to tell myself “I’m OK. It’s going to be OK.”
Honestly, though, much of what has happened to me feels anything but OK. I am brokenhearted. And, like the tree in the picture, there’s a part of me that is definitely not OK. That broken, twisted branch is not going to recover. Yes, that tree, like me, is going to be survive. But the injury is significant.
Jesus said He came to heal the brokenhearted. He came to bind up our wounds. The song by Matthew West says “church should look more like a hospital, a safe place for the sick, the sinner and the scarred, and the prodigals, like me.” Many churchgoers, including myself, often put on our “I”m OK” faces before entering the building.
Going to church without admitting we need help is like walking into the emergency room, battered and bleeding, and acting like we are at the mall. Jesus came to help. He sends His followers to help each other.
Dear Lord, thank You for coming to help. Forgive me for trying so hard to be OK that I don’t allow Your healing. Help me to know the healing You offer for my broken heart. Bind up my wounds. Bring healing into my torn and twisted parts. Thank You for being my Great Physician. Amen.
Poetry Pause
T.W.I.S.T.E.D.
Torn
With
Intensity;
Still
Trying in
Every
Direction
By Cindy MacGregor, August 3, 2023
Note. This poem is for the tree in the picture. Like those who have experienced broken hearts, this tree will recover by striving in every available direction from the healthy parts.
Old Mom to Young Mom
When Heroes Need the Hospital
A common scene in movies is the aftermath of a tragedy and a hero tending to the injured, despite having his/her own injuries. Battered and bleeding, the hero rushes about trying to help others. At some point, another person says, “You’re hurt. You need to go to the hospital.” The hero brushes off the injury and continues ministering aid to others, adamantly asserting, “I’m OK.”
We love the selflessness of these heroes! And parents often have the same hero mentality, striving to give their last vapor of strength for their children. Ignoring their own wounds, these hero-parents give until they have nothing left to give.
I know because I have been there as a parent and as a grandparent. I have given and given until I collapse into an irrational blob of tears. Each of my now-adult children has seen this happen to me, and each has stepped in to help. It’s amazing to me how my child has intervened when their “hero” is the one who needs the “hospital.” But, I confess, it never feels acceptable to the hero in me.
I am far more comfortable in the “rescuing” mode than in being the one who needs rescuing. I imagine you, too, want to be the hero in your children’s stories. That is mostly a good thing. But it helps children to know they can be the compassionate ones to their own parents. I remember one time when I was sick, collapsed on the couch, and my then-just-a-little-child daughter brought me a jelly sandwich. I didn’t want to be the one who needed help but she wanted to help me.
And that’s a good thing, too. When heroes need the hospital it’s good for their children to want to help them. As an old mom to young parents, I encourage you to be willing to receive help from your children. It teaches compassion, something heroes need to have, as well as to receive.
Dear Dr. Mac
Dear Readers:
You can find all my previous posts at ARCHIVE. You can also find them as an organized table of contents in Volume one of Reflective Adventures (link TBA).
You have two ways to share your thoughts with me. You can leave a comment (see box below) or you can email me at: drcjmacgregor@outlook.com; I will respond to your email, and post our dialogue in a future newsletter (with your permission, of course). I love to hear from you!